Love in the Lies

Most recently I've been thinking a lot about relationships and love. I am a spring creature. Feelings of frolicking through the heather (or rocks as this terrain seems to amply supply), bonfires and crisp, fresh air sort of flutter into my mind. And even though the semester enters it's deadly days, I find that I need all greater diversions.

So what am I getting at? I don't know. I think I want to say I'm a much different person that I was last year at this time. Perhaps I'm less jaded, perhaps more so. I find that I'm a lot more quiet. I'm much more reserved and inward. I'm more cautious now. I'm not sure if I like all of these changes. I miss some of my naivety. But I don't miss some of the mistakes of last year. And I certainly don't want to go back and relearn the things I did this year. I think I respect myself more and the journey I've gone on.

On the subject of love, I feel that I understand it a little better. I've based this blog on an Amos Lee song and my feelings on it. To quote my famous Amos here is Love in the Lies.

I aint no wide eyed rebel,
oh but i aint no preacher's son.
Now, i see the trouble,
in all the loving that I've done.

And the world,
aint no harder than it's ever been.
Looking for love in the lies
of a lonely friend.

And so much superstition,
and so much worry in my heart.
I need a new religion,
it's time to make a brand new start.

And the world,
aint no easier than it's ever been.
Looking for love in the lies
of a lonely friend.

Remember when we were in California,
we were so much happier then.
Now we're back in New York City,
looking for love in the lies
of a lonely friend.

And now the clocks are running,
but no one knows where time goes.
Another moon is stunning,
there's only shadows that she shows.

And the world,
aint no easier than it's ever been.
Looking for love in the lies
of a lonely friend.

I aint no wide eyed rebel,
oh but i aint no preacher's son.

I've long been done with the preacher's son. But I think my days as a wide eyed rebel are coming to a close. At least in this particular area. I'm tired of scraping at the shadows of love. I don't need a serious relationship. But I'm tired of creating and living in the facsimile of one. I don't want to settle down yet. I want to live out my experiences. But again, I don't want those experiences to be all flesh and no spirit. I'm beginning to understand a little better some of the principles of the Gospel.

The whole "bridle all your passions that you may be filled with love" is all the more pertinent. In many ways I think this also a recipe for freedom. I'm done with being the person people come back to. I'm not looking for a settling down, I'm looking for someone who actually wants to go places and do things with me. I'm looking for more than the physical. In writing this I know I'm sort of being hypocritical about past actions or signing myself up for a longer period of singlehood, but okay. That's where I'm at.

I had to read Jeffrey R. Holland's talk on Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments and he says it so candidly. "When the spirit and body are separated, men and women 'cannon receive a fulness of joy.'" And, "As all couples come to that moment of bonding in mortality, it is to be just such a complete union. That commandment cannot be fulfilled, and that symbolism of 'one flesh' cannot be preserved, if we hastily and guiltily and surreptitiously share intimacy in a darkened corner of a darkened hour, then just as hastily and guiltily and surreptitiously retreat to our separate worlds - not to eat or live or cry or laugh together, not to do the laundry and the dishes and the homework, not to manage a budget and pay the bills and tend the children and plan together for the future. No, we cannot do that until we are truly one."

It's difficult to be open about this subject. In so many ways writing this may seem like a prescription for others... when really it's just the one I want for myself. A place where my intensity, levity, joy, and disappointments can be shared, instead of tucked away while I figure out and indulge in my physical self. I guess I'm just done with the idea that I'm "missing out" or living only by what others tell me. I'm trying to make the choices that enable me feel the most free.